In reading Crucial Conversations, I’m struggling with the concept a bit, but seem to get the gist of it. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler do a great job at reinforcing and giving better structure and understanding to these conversations that we as people need to have when “stakes are high” so to speak, so here’s my take from it.
We have conversations with people all the time; with our spouses, our friends, children, co-workers, bosses etc., and the way we talk to each other is important for developing and maintaining relationships. But, when it comes to those important conversations people fall into the issue of being “silent” or “violent” because we don’t know how to converse effectively.
The way we choose to have these conversations can have a negative impact and effect us long term, breaking relationships, causing splits/divorces, leading to horrible work environments or even being fired, and as a person, stay stuck in the pitfall by not utilizing the proper tools to get your point across. Some other points I understood was that you cannot force people to do things, it has to come from them, we all should contribute to the “pool of shared meaning” and that crucial conversations happen when there are :
- Opposing Opinions
- Strong Emotions
- High Stakes
If we can master how to have these conversations, then we can help ourselves, and others grow.
As I continued to read the book, it still wasn’t clicking for me. How can I see this visually and in terms that I can relate to? So I turned to Youtube and came across Joseph Greeny’s video below:
Hearing his story about how he had bought his son this expensive jacket before a plane ride and how his son got it dirty, helped me better understand. Grenny plays out the story that was going on in his head about how his son was in terms an “idiot, ungrateful, bratty” kid and how he needed to be embarrassed or shamed for being so clumsy, but after he took a step-back and evaluated the situation.
Grenny talks about how that’s not what was needed, and crafted another story. He states that when he approached his son with the different conversation, he realized that his son didn’t need discipline and motivation or some lecture, he needs ability to understand what he did, and when Grenny went from negative to positive, the conversation changed.
The video helped my comprehension and as I read through chapter 6-9, got a better understanding also. The worst things you can do is be silent and let things pass because it’s important to feel like you’re valued and can contribute to ideas/conversations. As someone who is usually silent, I think “well it’s okay I’m quiet because the idea they have will just pass by, or it doesn’t affect me” when in actuality it does. I’ve even played the stage where I’ve been “violent” and used violence in a sense of arguing loudly to get my point across, or saying hurtful things, especially to my wife.
I recall a time when I worked at the bank and me and the manger had gotten into a yelling match in my cubicle. I had gotten fed up with the way I felt he was treating me and decided that I was going to speak my mind after keeping so much bottled up inside. I was fed up with his passive but mostly aggressive attitude, and how he had a sarcastic tone whenever I asked him something, but now I realize that’s how I pictured it in my head. Rather then letting it build up and staying silent, I should have confronted him with the tools I have now and it could have helped our relationship. If I had these tools then, I know the conversation would have been better.
These images basically sum up the steps to put those crucial conversations into motion, but the main takeaway I got was in chapter 11 where it discusses the two levers, Learn to Look, and Make it Safe. These two are described as the basis for positive change and if practiced, can help impact those crucial conversations and help us recognize, build and maintain dialogue. Once we can put these steps into practice, learn how to adjust our thinking, asking ourselves what do we want, what do other want, and holding each other accountable, then we gain the capacity to have those crucial conversations that will affect results.
References:
Grenny, J., Crucial Conversations (Dec. 2012) Retrieved From: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuJgqTs-G44
Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., (2012). Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high Second Edition McGraw-Hill.
Ryan, J. Self Love U blog Retrieved from: http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/2015/04/crucial-conversations-infographics.html
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